Re: Fact-check - OLPC News Article
Thanks.
I have to run out to a meeting, I'll update it when I get back.
~K
Ignacio Vazquez-Abrams wrote:
On Fri, 2008-11-21 at 12:04 -0500, Karlie Robinson wrote:
> The ending needs a wrap up, but could you check this rough draft for me?
> http://on-disk.com/cms/index.php?wiki=preview
>
> Anything jump out at you as wrong? Either fact wise, or
> spelling/grammar wise?
>
Lots of very, very small paragraphs. I would fuse the following
paragraphs:
1 and 2
3 and 4
9 and 10
I would avoid mentioning "Amazon's commission" in paragraph 8 and simply
state that you are an "alternate source". And "download" should be
"downloading".
"Support for the" at the beginning of paragraph 9 should just be
"The"
or "This".
"(Linux, Apple, Microsoft)" in paragraph 4 are not quite in the same
class, but that's probably more my pedantry than an actual problem per
se. Perhaps "(Linux, Mac, Windows)" might be better, although still not
quite precise. But everyone knows it as "Mac" and not "OS X".
The "or" in paragraph 11 should be "nor", and "the cards,"
should be
"them,".
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